A private is standing outside in the smoking area when he is approached by a young lieutenant, "Private, do you have change for a dollar?!"
The private replies, "I sure do pal."
The lieutenant yells back, "I am not your pal! You will address me as an officer and give me the respect I have earned maggot! Stand at attention and tell me again, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private, now standing perfectly erect says, "Sir, no sir!"
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You never go to Denny’s, you end up there. Their slogan should be, “Hey, it’s late.” Some lady was complaining about her food there. That’s like complaining you went to a whorehouse and didn’t get loved.
-Warren Thomas
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
-George Carlin
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I stopped for breakfast at the International House of Pancakes. As soon as you walk in the establishment, you catch the distinct, worldwide feel of the place. I was completely baffled by the complex menu. So I just had the flapjack du jour and my syrup steward helped me select a very dry maple that was busy but never precocious.
-Dennis Miller
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Mexicans don’t even get into Taco Bell commercials… you’d think we’d at least have a shot at that shit. And their slogan was “Run for the Border.” Hey, white people, that’s racist. How would you like, “Denny’s has good crackers, for the cracker in you.”
-Carlos Mencia
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It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
-Richard Jeni
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My wife and I had an amicable divorce. She lets me see my stuff on weekends. Last Sunday I took my sweaters to Disneyland.
-Craig Shoemaker
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When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving… anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check.
-Maura Kennedy
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Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We were all excited. My dad got some luggage.
-Tom Arnold
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Interns scare me. They’re too young. How can you have confidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his sleeves?
-Joan Rivers
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
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I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on Monday. I’m not sick or anything. It’s just that I lost some weight, and I want someone to see me naked.
-Tracy Smith
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I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.
-Sarah Silverman
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I’ve been feeling kind of lousy for the past few weeks. I don’t want to go to the doctor because I just know what he’s gonna say: “Stop shooting heroin.” What a broken record that guy is.
-Drake Sather
