A man is getting into a nice warm bath to relax.
Once he is situated he hears the doorbell ring.
He is mad but he gets up and dries off.
As he is walking to the door he falls to the ground hurting his back.
When he finally gets to the door the person at the door says "Oh, sorry. I think I'm at the wrong house."
The man is angry so he yells "Are you serious?"
The person at the door replies "Chill out man, you need to take a hot bath or something."
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If you eat enough celery sticks and Dexedrine, somebody’s gonna get killed. Either you’ll keel over while trying to walk up a flight of stairs, or you’ll end up shooting someone just to watch them die.
-Drew Carey
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Do you have to brush your teeth during a fast? Why do they call it a fast if it goes so damn slow?
-Gallagher
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You know you’re on a diet when cat food commercials make you hungry.
-Andy Bumatai
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I’m trying to get back to my original weight… eight pounds, three ounces.
-Cheril Vendetti
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I went on that new fourteen-day diet, and all I lost was two weeks.
-Sheila Kay
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I want to lose ten pounds. I just don’t know if I should start power walking or smoking.
-Lisa Goich
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I was on the grapefruit diet. For breakfast I ate fifteen-grapefruit. Now when I go to the bathroom I keep squirting myself in the eye.
-Max Alexander
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When I was in college I got out of control dieting. There were two food groups for me: prepackaged diet foods and alcoholic beverages. I was a bulimic-anorexic wannabe, but my drinking a ways held me back.
-Merrill Markoe
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There ’s a new diet that’s guaranteed to make you as thin as the supermodels. The first two days, you can eat anything you want. The third day, you’re taken
hostage in Lebanon for seven years.
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They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer, healthier life. Watch for my next book, How I Died While Jogging.
-Drew Carey
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I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
-Ed Bluestone
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Waiters and waitresses are becoming much nicer and more caring. I used to pay my check, they’d say, “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day. That’s now escalated into “You take care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check, the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.”
-Rita Rudner
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The only comfort you can take from eating at a Denny’s is that you know for sure that all over America, everyone else at a Denny’s is just as unhappy as you are.
-Drew Carey
