A man meets the best Bible salesman in the world.
The salesman greets him, "Nuh, nuh, nuh, nice to meet you."
The man asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what's your secret?"
The salesman replies, "It's suh, suh, suh, simple. I juh, juh, just go to the duh, duh, duh, door and suh, say, 'Duh, duh, duh, do you wuh, wuh, want to buh, buh, buh, buh, buy a bible? Or wuh, would you luh, luh, luh, like muh, me to ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, read it to you?'"
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I don’t mind death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
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If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.
-Mel Brooks
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Death is the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van, the pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you could really ask to help you with a big move like that. And the casket is that great, perfect box you’ve been looking for your whole life. The only problem is once you find it, you’re in it.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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My grandmother was upset at my grandfather’s funeral: “You’ve got him in a brown suit, I wanted him in a blue suit.” The mortician said, “That’s okay, ma’am, we’ll take care of it right now. Ed, switch the heads on two and four.”
-Bill Bauer
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My uncle was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus, and when he died all of his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-Steven Wright
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I got a coupon in the mail: Ash Burial at Sea, $478. What an affordable way to die. The only thing is, I don’t want my ashes scattered at sea. I want them thrown on all the people who have ever blown smoke in my face. Let’s see if their dry cleaners can get that out.
-Cathy Ladman
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Texas killed another one. It was kind of a grisly death on death row, because the guy did not go easy. The first attempt failed and they just kind of wounded him. It was tough for observers to watch, and it was also very embarrassing for the executioner, ’cause this was “Take your daughter to work day.”
-Bill Maher
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I was thinking about committing suicide but I have a tendency to procrastinate, so I just kept putting it off. They say procrastination is a bad thing, but it saved my life.
-Shashi Bhatia
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I can’t believe that book Final Exit was on the best-seller list. I saw a guy buying it who was depressed because it cost seventeen bucks. I told him, “Sir, I’ll stab you in the head for four.” But he bought the book and paid for it in cash. And I’m going, “If you’re going to kill yourself, why not charge it?”
-Kathleen Madigan
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Anybody can commit suicide, but nobody ever does anything cool with it. If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to fill my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh-Snickers, hey!”
-Patton Oswalt
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Strange things happen when you’re in debt. Two weeks ago, my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish.
-Tom Ryan
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A Democrat sees the glass of water as half-full. A Republican looks at the same glass, and wonders who the hell drank half his glass of water.
-Jeff Cesario
