A blonde goes to the doctor and tells him she has been extremely moody lately and can't control her temper, and her family is getting tired of it.
He suggests, "Sounds like stress. You should try getting some exercise. Run 10 miles a day and call me in a couple of weeks."
She does this, and calls him in a couple of weeks, "I've been running every day and I do feel a little better."
He asks her, "And how's your family?"
She replies, "How would I know? I'm 140 miles away."
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
-Phyllis Diller
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There’s a big boom in Irish culture right now. I was in Barnes and Noble the other day and I saw a book entitled Irish cuisine and I laughed my balls off. What are we famous for cuisine-wise? We put everything in a pot and we boil it for seventeen and a half hours straight, until you can eat it with a straw. That’s not cuisine, that’s penance.
-Denis Leary
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I can’t stand makeup commercials. “Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?” No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about eye-shadow that makes me stop thinking I ’m too fat?
-Heidi Joyce
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I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know . . . I should have heard them hiding.
-Emo Philips
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I don’t buy temporary insanity as a murder defense. ’Cause people kill people, that’s an animal instinct. I think breaking into someone’s home and redecorating it is temporary insanity.
-Sue Kolinsky
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I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.
-Richard Lewis
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I have six locks on my door, all in a row, and when I go out I only lock every other lock. ’Cause I figure no matter how long somebody stands there, picks the locks, they’re always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
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I used to eat while I was in the supermarket. I guess I didn’t consider it stealing ’cause I took it out inside my body.
-Arsinio Hall
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“Crime of passion”… that phrase drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation… that’s a crime of passion.
-Hellura Lyle
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Sex offenders in the state of Delaware now have to put that on their driver’s license. So that every time you cash a check or whatever, it says “sex offender.” It’s kind of like that sticker that says, “organ donor,” but this is a very specific organ donated.
-Bill Maher
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My friend Larry’s in jail now. He got twenty-five years for something he didn’t do. He didn’t run fast enough.
-Damon Wayans
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Remember that 560-pound criminal who was released from jail because he had asthma? He claimed jail was bad for him. Who made up this rule? I thought jail was supposed to be a little bit bad for you. Apparently not anymore. Apparently now it’s like, “Sorry, claustrophobia. Can’t go. Wish I could. Sorry.” The electric chair? “No way. Even a heating pad gives me a rash.”
-Paula Poundstone
