A little old man told his wife, "I have to go to my doctor's appointment now. I'll see you later."
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him, "Honey, there's a car going in the wrong direction!"
The husband replied, “One car, heck, there’s hundreds of them!”
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If you’re deep enough in denial to actually think that you did have a happy childhood, then your shrink will tell you that you must be forgetting something.
-Dennis Miller
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I’m chunky. In a bathing suit I look like a Bartlett pear with a rubber band around it.
-Drew Carey
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Where do clichés come from? My grandfather says, “You just tell a couple of jokes, and you’re riding the gravy train.” What is a gravy train? I didn’t know they were actually hauling gravy by rail. People gather around big mounds of mashed potatoes waiting for the 5:15 gravy to show up?
-Rich Hall
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Dolly the cloned sheep got pregnant in the old-fashioned, conventional way… by a shepherd.
-Bill Maher
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I was so mean to my old boyfriend he went to Codependents Anonymous, and I used to page him there.
-Mary O’Halloran
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I’m not codependent myself, but aren’t they great to have around?
-Betsy Salkind
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They just opened a new Starbucks, in my living room
-Janeane Garofalo
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Every time I buy a cup of coffee in a coffee-house there’s a box to send money to the kids in Colombia. Colombia should be a superpower by now. They produce coffee and cocaine. It’s not like they can’t figure out how to motivate the workers.
-Margot Black
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Is it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee-flavored coffee. They have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, Al Pacino. Coffee doesn’t need a menu, it needs a cup.
-Denis Leary
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I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-Woody Allen
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I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong… highlighting with black magic marker.
-Jeff Altman
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I took biology two years in a row just to eat the specimens.
-Pat Paulson
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I went to college-majored in Philosophy. My father said, “Why don’t you minor in Communications so you can wonder out loud?”
-Mike Dugan
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I went to the University of South Florida for five and a half years. Then I sobered up, got dressed, and went home-they still have my earrings.
-Tracy Smith
