Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure.
The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?"
His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter."
Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like crap."
His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already."
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When it came to joining a fraternity, I rolled a seven. The friends that I made have been lifelong, and the lessons I learned were invaluable. I’ll admit that I haven’t had a chance to use what I learned about parliamentary procedure, and I’ve never again had to make a bong out of a toilet paper roll, but who knows? Someday I might.
-Drew Carey
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I was so stoned in college that when my mom would call I would still keep smoking out of my bong. She’d hear the bubbles and say, “What’s going on over there… are you sinking‘?”
-Scott Silverman
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You learn how to wash clothes different in college. At home you have “colors,” “delicate” . . . in college, “dirty,” “DIRTY!” and ‘funky.”
-Sinbad
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Comedy is the ability to make people laugh without making them puke.
-Steve Martin
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Stand-up comedy hasn’t changed. It’s still the last refuge of the bitter alcoholic.
-Bob Odenkirk
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I have e-mail, a pager, a cell phone, a fax line. I’ve got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one in my purse, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don’t return your call is I just don’t . like you.
-Alicia Bradt
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That movie Fatal Attraction really ruined things for women. I mean, you can’t even call a guy a hundred and fifty times a day anymore without having them get all bent out of shape.
-Lisa Goich
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If I had a vibrating pager, I would get a mobile phone and call myself. Stand around hitting redial all day.
-Don Wilson
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The best device we have in our house is the baby intercom, a kind of walkie-talkie that lets you monitor your kid from other rooms. So my daughter’s in the crib with one part of the intercom, and I’m in the other. Then all of a sudden, I hear her crackling over the static, “Breaker, one-nine, Daddy. I’ve got spit-up on my shirt and I’m packing a load. Please, come help me out.”
-Bob Saget
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I read that 28 percent of Americans think they can communicate with the dead. The other 72 percent switched back to AT&T.
-Bobcat Zany
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The term “surfing the Net” is an insult to surfers… and nets. I was on this web site called “I Just Got Out of the Shower.” It’s people from around the world talking about how they’re still a little wet. And when you get dry, you get off it. Isn’t it great how the Internet is going to bring us all together?
-Bob Odenkirk
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I’m very behind when it comes to technology. My friends all want me to get a computer. I just got a cotton gin, and I can’t figure out how to work that. I’m on the phone every day with tech support, “Do I keep the seeds, or the fuzzy stuff`?”
-Matt Weinhold
