Three girls are sitting together at a bar: a blonde, a brunette, and a girl with green hair.
A man walks up to them and says "You girls have beautiful hair. Do you dye it?"
The blonde looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
The brunette looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
Finally the green haired girl sneezes into her hand and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
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It ain’t easy being me… my mother breast-fed me through a straw.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Look at all the buses that want exact change. I figure if I give them exact change, they should take me exactly where I want to go.
-George Wallace
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I was on a Greyhound recently. This guy was staring at my bag wondering why it closes with a zipper and not a twist tie.
-Tom Ryan
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Bus lag… a low-level disorientation caused by riding on a bus. Almost impossible to detect.
-George Carlin
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I saw today a cab driver take an elderly woman… across the street. No, wait a minute, the word I’m looking for is . . . knock, knock her across.
-David Letterman
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What does it take to get a cab driver’s license? I think all you need is a face. And a name with eight consonants in a row. Have you ever checked out some of the names on the license? The O with the line through it? What planet is that from? You need a chart of the elements just to report the guy, “Yes, Officer, his name was Amal-and then the symbol for boron.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese, while getting a permanent, inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
-Dennis Miller
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Mexicans don’t go camping in the woods, especially during hunting season. We’d be mistaken for a deer. Somebody would go, “Your honor, I saw brown skin and brown eyes. He had his hands up. I thought they were antlers. I shot his ass.”
-Paul Rodriguez
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You show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet.
-George Carlin
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Candy is the only reason you want to live when you’re a kid. And you have your favorite candies that you love. Kids actually believe they can distinguish between twenty-one different versions of pure sugar. When I was a kid, I could taste the difference between different color M&M’s. I thought the red was heartier, more of a main course M&M. And the light brown was a mellower, kind of after-dinner M.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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The new candies get their names from things people exclaim, like Bonkers! or Nerds! And I got to thinking, geez, wouldn’t it be funny if they based a line of candies on something my dad exclaims frequently? I don’t know about you, but I’d get a kick out of candy called, “Where’s the Damn Scotch!”
-Bob Oshack
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Fun-size Snickers. Who’s this fun for? Not me. Six or seven of those babies in a row, I’m having fun. Frustrating-size is more like it, but they can’t even fit the word “frustrating” on the wrapper.
-Jeff Carlin
