Three men are sitting in the waiting room at the hospital.
The nurse approaches the first one and says "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The man says "That's strange, I work for the Minnesota Twins."
The nurse comes back and approaches the second man "Your wife had quadruplets sir!"
The man says "Wow! I work for Foursquare."
The last man starts to cry so the nurse asks him "What's wrong sir?"
The man replies "I work for 84 lumber!"
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Cannibals love Domino’s pizza. Not for the pizza, but for the delivery guy.
-Shang
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Jeffrey Dahmer said he was temporarily insane and ate seventeen people. That ain’t temporally. Somewhere around the fourth person you’ve got to think, “I don’t think this is going away, I’m crazy.”
-Warren Hutcherson
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They showed an execution at some prison. The executioner said, “Killing a man in an electric chair is as easy for me as going to the refrigerator and getting a beer.” I heard that and thought, “Well, scratch that guy off my A-1 party list. He’d be partying at my house and I’d say, “Hey, did you get my beer?" He’d look at me funny. “Huh? I thought you said kill your dad.”
-Bobcat Goldthwait
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They should make cards… if you’re going to get a card for somebody you don’t really care about, they should make cards that say that. “You’re a friend of my wife’s cousin… the hell with you.” “We hardly know you. What did you expect, cash?”
-Paul Riser
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When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas cards?
-George Carlin
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I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-Steven Wright
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My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.
-Wendy Liebman
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When I was a kid getting to borrow the car was a big deal. “Where are you going?” “Around the block.” “How many kids are going?” “Just half a kid.” Before he handed over the keys, my dad gave you a lecture. “Now I’m not giving you this car so you can screw it up.” “Well,” I said to myself, “then I don’t want it.”
-Louie Anderson
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A New York man bought a car at a police auction, then went home and found a dead body handcuffed in the trunk. Actually it isn’t that bad. This week, he can use the carpool lane.
-Jay Leno
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My mother has this car with a computer. It talks like a Jewish car… it does, “Ehh, why even go, it’s windy out.”
-Richard Lewis
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Anybody abuse rental cars? If I’m really bored I’ll take one to Earl Scheib and have it painted for $29.95. This really messes up their paperwork for months and months. The thing that bothers me is when you have to return one with a full tank of gas. You know what I do now? I just top it off with a garden hose.
-Will Shriner
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Rolls-Royce is selling its first totally new car in eighteen years. For $216,000. Sounds like a lot, but that does include the Grey Poupon. Also, the car is so luxurious that when you have an accident, instead of an airbag, a little pillow comes out with a mint on it. It’s so fancy that the cupholder is a guy named Charles.
-Jay Leno
