Funny Jokes
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?”
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.”
The man below says, "You must be in management.”
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?”
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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I never met anyone who thinks southern is the world’s most intelligent-sounding accent. None of us would want to hear our brain surgeon say, “Aright … what we gon’ do is the saw the top of yer head off, root around in ‘er with a stick, and see if we cain’t maybe find that dad burned clot.” You’d say, “No thanks, I’ll just die, okay?”
—Jeff Foxworthy
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Ever been stuck behind an accident, and when you finally see the wreckage, you’re actually happy? “Things should pick up now, soon as we pass this carnage.”
—Paul Riser
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I got in a car wreck when I was twenty-two. Hit a damn lake. I thought the road was slick. State trooper sloshing up to my car asks me, “Have you been drinking?” How many sober people do you know who slam into lakes? “No, I ran out of gas. I could have made it across with a full tank.”
—Kenny Rogerson
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My girlfriend just got out of the hospital. She had to have her stomach pumped 'cause I gave her what I thought was cotton candy, but it turned out to be insulation on a stick.
—Steven Wright
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I adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but there was a lot of red tape.
—Margaret Smith
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I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed, so I said, “Get off of me, you two!”
—Emo Philips
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
—Steven Wright
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The basic beer ad: big-breasted babes in bikinis. Beer won’t get you babes. But if you drink enough, you think they’re babes. And if you drink more, you grow your own breasts.
—Norman K.
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A man is paralyzed mentally by a beautiful woman, and advertisers take advantage. Like ads where a woman in the bikini is next to a thirty-two piece ratchet set. We’re going, “Well, she’s right next to the ratchet set, and if I had the ratchet set, it would mean… I better just buy the ratchets.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
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When you’re in your thirties it’s very hard to make a new friend. Whatever group you’ve got now, that’s who you’re going with. You’re not interviewing, you’re not interested in seeing any applications. If I meet a guy at the gym or the club, it’s like, “I’m sure you’re a very nice person, you seem to have a lot of potential. We’re just not hiring right now.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
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My friend Ann is in her thirties, single, and she’s starting to feel that she has to choose between her career and family. I say, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Use a cryogenic freezer instead.
—Lesley Wake
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The older you get, you’re just too tired to care about the same things. Rock concerts, I used to camp out for tickets. Now you can tell me Barbara Streisand is playing for free down the street, and I’d say, “How far down the street? Let’s just stay here and watch the Discovery Channel. C’mon, it’s Shark Week!”
—Kathleen Madigan
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