An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going, down there in hell?" God says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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This man was a bigot and a bed wetter. He used to go to Ku Klux Klan meetings wearing a rubber sheet.
-Woody Allen
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Eagles mate while flying at eighty miles an hour. And when they start to drop, they don’t stop until the act is completed. So, it’s not uncommon they both hit the ground, and die, Boy, don’t we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone? I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of those two birds and we’re getting close to the ground, I would seriously consider faking it.
-Ellen Degeneres
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What they put women through today when they’re having a baby! They don’t want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn’t wake up till I was seven.
-Dennis Wolfberg
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My wife didn’t want her drugs until after our daughter was born. I told her, “This is not the Olympics or a gladiator movie - when It hurts, take the damn Demerol!”
-Tim Allen
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I used my Lamaze breathing when the anesthesiologist’s bill came. But it sure didn’t work when the real deal was going on. I was breathing in my wife’s face, when she grabs me by
the eyeball and shouts in my ear, “If you don’t quit breathing that funky breath in my face, and get me some drugs quick, I am going to pull out this eye and throw it down the hall!”
-Sinbad
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I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
-Henry Youngman
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I was born by cesarean section, but you can’t really tell. Except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
-Steven Wright
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My friends want to show me films of their baby’s birth. No, thank you. But I’ll look at a video of the conception, if you’ve got one.
-Gary Shandling
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I tried to give blood the other day. The blood bank refused to take it, though. Because I wouldn’t tell them where I got it from.
-Wally Wang
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I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done,
-Steven Wright
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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog it’s too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx
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When you’re a toddler, your favorite book isn’t necessarily the one with the best story, or even the prettiest pictures. It’s the one whose pages taste best. The book that goes easy on your gums is a great read. “I enjoy Faulkner’s storytelling, but his novellas tend to cut me in the roof of the mouth. Dickens, on the other hand, soft and nice.”
-Paul Riser
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