A motorist is speeding down the road when he is pulled over. The officer tells him, "Sir do you realize how fast you were going?"
The motorist replies, "Yeah I know, but I have to go."
The cop interrupts him, "Not so fast. You're going to have to wait for the chief to get back in a few hours."
The cop immediately takes the man to jail. After a few hours the cop tells the man, "You're lucky, the chief is on his way back from his daughter's wedding, he'll be in a good mood."
The man replies, "I doubt it."
The cop snaps back, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies, "I'm the groom!"
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When you have a baby nobody ever checks to see if you’re a good parent. When you adopt, they check. Those social services people drove me crazy. They called me every day, “You childproofed the house yet? You childproof the house?” Yeah, he’ll never get in here.
-Margaret Smith
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I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.
-Sara Silverman
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You know you’re going bald when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter. I sit down. “How about those…” “Next.” “What?” “We’re done.” “Well. here’s a tip.” “I can’t. That would be stealing.”
-Dave Attell
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I prefer balding men. Why would you want to run your hands through a man’s hair when you could shove your fist right into his skull?
-Stephanie Hodge
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I like being bald. I love walking around feeling that I’m getting away with being naked in public.
-Atom
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Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
-Daniel Lybra
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky. But there wasn’t any gum under any of them.
-Emo Philips
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I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.
-Steven Wright
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I live with a wonderful man. I lived with other men, too, and not one of them has had a clue what he was doing in the bathroom. I don’t care how wonderful a man is, or isn’t surround his ass with tile and porcelain and his head explodes.
-Whoopi Goldberg
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If there is a difference between men and women, it would a have to be that men don’t have to have a matching set for something to be functional. But a woman will not feel comfortable in a shower unless she approves of the shower curtain. “Just put the orange washcloth with the green towel, woman! They’ll dry you all the same.” She would rather stay funky than clash.
-Sinbad
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During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. And wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.
-James Leemer
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They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do you really want to hear, “My dreams for the future include world peace, and that my ex-husband gets killed by a bus”?
-Jay Leno
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